Nail as Tool

Yesterday I read in Newsweek that faced with a new COVID-19 outbreak Beijing is now using anal swabs to test for COVID-19. Because it’s more accurate….also the reason rectal thermometers are not a curious relic of the past.

Today I am writing to implore my fellow humans to consider lowering the bar. Satisfy yourselves with sufficiently accurate. Don’t get too caught up in accuracy for accuracy’s sake…as an end in itself.

Sure there are certain areas in which we need greater accuracy than is today possible. By all means, keep innovating until we are sufficiently accurate. And I acknowledge that “sufficiently accurate” is a standard that will change over time requiring further innovation.

And while I’m setting a standard, I may as well create a rule – “when it comes to the anus, please consider other options and use as a last resort”.

Which leads me to another misplaced obsession with exceeding limits – the modification of body parts to use them as tools.

One of the more nauseating examples being the nail manicured as tool. To be sure, it’s a sliding scale. One end features guitarists with moderate nail growth triangulated for picking strings and possibly this Japanese nail weaving business. Come on Japan, you’re better than this.

At the other, there’s the stomach churning extended pinky nail with which we are all** familiar, cultivated for use as a coke spoon, pick, screw driver, eye-gouger….I’m sure buckets of creative juices have been secreted developing obscure uses for this grotesque overgrowth of keratin.

** By the way, if you have never seen this please write me. I am interested to learn how you’ve managed to remain blissfully unaware.

In a bizarre twist, this utilitarian phenomenon has evolved in some cultures to signify the complete opposite: non-use. Yes. When spotted, a clean inch (or more) of keratin extending from your pinky finger tells the world that you are of a class that need not get their hands dirty. Clearly this is a case of relativity.

Disregarding the set who aim to elevate themselves in your eyes by maintaining a long nail, I imagine the justification for this phenomenon among the rest is that it is handy. Always there whenever you need it. In other words, efficient.

No need to go looking for a bastoncillo (lovely Spanish word for q-tip) or screw-driver or other thing that does not grow out from your body to execute tasks, no, you can hold in your other three fingers and get to work. Immediately.

So in the interest of keeping us on an evolutionary trajectory, I would like to introduce a new standard in this domain – sufficiently efficient. And to this standard I would like to add some rules:

1. If a tool exists, then the task that it was created for should under no circumstances be performed with a body part.
2. If the task you need to perform does not have a tool created for it, and you’ve really searched, then find the tool that most closely fits your purpose and use it.
3. If you’ve followed Rule 2 and the tool just isn’t cutting it, then make one or have one made.
4. If you’re sufficiently concerned about being caught without your tool, and are thinking of growing out your nails then introduce yourself to EDC and find something that works for your requirement.
5. If Rule 4 does not solve your problem then the task you are performing does not need to be done with “reasonably” sufficient urgency and you can go back to Rule 1.

And remember, when you prioritize the right things, your life will become more meaningful.